Is the Internet to Blame for a Lack of Commitment in Relationships?
A look at the high divorce and ENM rates and what's really going on with marriage and commitment
I’ve been Super Single Suzy most of my life. Aside from a five-year period where a very manipulative and abusive dude decided to take me off the market, I’ve had no other takers. And that’s okay. I figure my missteps and misfortunes in the dating world may some day make for a great book. Or a serial Substack. Who knows.
Since 1999, I’ve used or tried many different platforms to find “love” or some poor substitute for it:
AIM
Craigslist
Match
eHarmony (which rejected me three times back when it was a super Christian platform)
Plenty of Fish
OK Cupid
Tinder
Bumble
Hinge
Happn
Coffee Meets Bagel
Boo
Unjected
All that’s to say I’ve spent a lot of time in the singles pool and observing the trends there — both online and in the real world. And something has grown very rotten in the relationships between the sexes.
ENM and the Left
Prior to my relationship, there wasn’t really anything about dating that troubled me. I mean, aside from not being able to get anyone to date me. But when my relationship ended in 2016, I started to notice that things weren’t right. Something had definitely gone wrong.
While living up north, I noticed the emergence in ethical non-monogamy. At the time, though, it didn’t have that trendy “ENM” moniker. They just called it an open relationship or swinging.
I was living in the northeast then. First in Delaware. Then in Rhode Island. It was huge in Rhode Island. If I had to guess, I’d say one in every ten profiles I saw during the pandemic were ENM or something of the sort.
I gotta say, it didn’t really surprise me. With the exception of maybe one or two married couples I knew up there, everyone was miserable. And, at some point, cheating had been considered and/or opening the relationship.
In most cases, it was because there was no love between them. What may have started as love or infatuation fell away shortly after they married and/or had kids. Most of my married girlfriends described their husbands as roommates or partners.
One of the women I knew only had sex with her husband when she wanted to get pregnant. Even then, he’d only do it under the threat of divorce and after a discussion with their therapist who told him to just fuck her, get it out of the way, and then he wouldn’t have to do it again.
What always seemed so strange to me was that none of these couples considered divorce. Even when I stumbled upon my friend’s husband on Tinder and showed her his profile, she stayed with him. Even when my other friend got caught cheating, her husband stayed with her. And even when another friend of mine asked her husband for an open relationship, they stayed together.
For some of them, it was because of the kids. One friend basically has a timer set on their marriage. The day that their last kid turns 18 is the day she plans on divorcing him.
For others, it was because they were scared of being single. They knew how hard it was and didn’t want to go through it. So it just seemed better to stay in a loveless marriage than to go it alone.
I actually talked to a couple of those ENM couples when I was in Rhode Island. I was locked down and bored out of my mind, so I figured why not see what this whole thing was about. In both cases, it became crystal-clear that it was the man who initiated the open relationship and that the girlfriend just went along with it so she wouldn’t lose him.
I know that’s not always the case.
There’s a really interesting documentary on HBO called There Is No “I” in Threesome. It’s about a couple that decides to have an open relationship. Not only do they share the details of their escapades with other partners, but they even share some of the partners, too.
In the end, you discover that the whole documentary is a reenactment and re-envisioning of what actually happened. It was the woman who wanted the open relationship because she was unhappy and wanted to find someone else before letting her boyfriend go. The boyfriend was too blind to see what was going on (or just didn’t want to) and so he went along with it.
It’s really heartbreaking and that’s even before you realize the documentary isn’t truthful. It makes you wonder why people are driven to such desperate measures.
Like why commit to someone if there isn’t really any commitment? At that point, aren’t you just holding onto your mate as a possession or a toy? Something that is yours until you find a better one to replace him or her with?
Divorce and the Right
Switching gears, let’s talk about the trends I’m noticing down here in the south. I’m going to start by sharing this map from the Bowling Green State University website:
According to the census bureau, divorce rates are much lower in liberal-leaning areas compared to conservative ones. That’s not true across the board, but you can see how places like the Northeast corridor, California, and Hawaii stack up against the Southeast.
That’s exactly what I’ve seen since I moved down to Florida. That and “discreet” cheaters.
In terms of the divorcees, I expected there to be some. I’m 40, after all. It’s not like I’m dating young men anymore.
However, it’s not just an insane amount of divorced men in the dating pool these days. It’s an insane amount of divorced men with children. And, worse, an insane amount of divorced men with young children.
The thing that bothers me most is how easily these men jump right back into dating. I guess it’s easier for them since most only see their kids every weekend or every other weekend. So it’s not like the kids are a huge burden on their lives the way they are the mothers’. But still. I’ve tried talking to these guys and it’s always the same thing.
“I was miserable.”
“I checked out a long time ago.”
“I’m ready to move on.”
But it’s not as though they’re moving on from some bad breakup. They’re walking away from a partner they made a life-long commitment to. They’re walking away from the stress of divorce. And, let’s be honest, they’re walking away from their children.
Now, I’m not advocating for couples who are unhappy to stay together for the kids. They’ll only mess up their kids even more that way.
But, seriously, what is going on here? Does no one consider the ramifications of their decision to marry someone they don’t truly love or aren’t fully committed to? Or the ramifications of bringing children into the world with them? They might divorce from their spouse, but they will forever be tied to them because of the kids.
I’m curious to know why this happens at such a higher frequency down here than up north.
Are people in Florida (or even the southeast in general) rushing into marriage for the sake of it? Is it because of societal pressure? Religious expectations? The desperate desire to have kids? The fear of being alone?
I suspect all these reasons are the same reasons why ENM couples got married, too. I just think that people on the left and right have a tendency to handle things differently in many aspects of their lives.
I get that being single is awful. But does love not factor into any of these relationships? And what about commitment? Do people just think, “Well, I hate him or her right now. But we might as well pop out some kids and then I can start living my life and find love after we divorce.”?
What’s Really Going On Here?
Whether it’s high rates of ENM in the liberal population or high rates of divorce in conservatives, I think it comes down to the same root cause.
According to data shared by Forbes Advisor, 75% of marriages ended due to a lack of commitment. And 60% due to infidelity.
Why is there such a huge lack of commitment? And has this been a long-time problem?
With women able to work and support themselves, it’s not like they have to be stuck in loveless marriages anymore. So maybe we weren’t aware of this general lack of commitment and love previously since divorce wasn’t as viable of an option?
I don’t know the answer to how long it’s been going on, though I do suspect that technology is, at least, in part to blame for this rift between the sexes.
You have botoxed, brain-dead thotties and overly juiced up men all over social media platforms like Instagram and TikTok.
There’s Only Fans.
Dating sites and apps are probably the biggest contributor, too. Men and women see the seemingly endless supply of other people to swipe on. So why stay with someone who doesn’t satisfy them 110% of every day?
That’s another thing. Our expectations have changed drastically because of technology.
Anything you want, you can have it delivered. And some of it you can get within a day or two tops. So why couldn’t you find a more suitable, hotter, fitter, taller, more subdued, more perfect, etc. mate in a short amount of time and with minimal effort?
Swiping is a piece of cake. Having to talk and make an effort… Ugh. That’s just too hard.
Final Thoughts
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe people just keep getting married for the wrong reasons.
I’m sure most of you know what that pressure feels like. Everyone around you is shacking up and popping out kids, so you gotta do it too. Or your parents keep asking if you’ve found the one and, when you have, they want to know when you’ll give them grandkids. Or you see everyone coupling up on all your favorite TV shows and movies. Or maybe it’s just your damn biological clock ticking, telling you to settle down now.
I think putting the blame solely on technology is a cop-out. While it’s certainly changed the way we live and interact with each other, all of this ultimately comes down to being a good, moral person and being accountable for your actions. And I really do think that’s in short supply unfortunately. The conveniences afforded us by technology certainly don’t help, but who’s controlling whom here? The tech or us?
Lastly, am I naive for believing in love? For expecting love to be the glue that binds that right people together? And that love takes hard work and time to find?